Steps to Take

Kids come home from college and you can see the grown layer of their persona is being stripped even before you open the door. Just to see my daughter standing there, red cap against her dark hair and even though I can't see her face, I know she is older, farther away from the little girl whose enthusiasm even my worst day could not dampen. She is more resolute, more womanly, more grown into who she must be to take the steps she will take to get to where she needs to go. I open the door and we walk down to eat sushi, what is becoming our ritual and this time I want to tell her that her mom is getting stronger, better, more alive, going with the flow. Instead, I just eat Pad Thai and pray I can pull this off and listen to her and edit my questions for fear of asking too much and losing reception.

I watched "Away from Her" tonight as my college girl slept and the movie caused me to reach for my notebook to write more on the novel that will be my next child. I wrote and thanked the universe for this emotion as my throat swallowed.

It just seems to be my way to go to the limit...the frightening abyss of nothing...and yet, later, as I lie in bed, I realize I am putting into practice everything I have studied, professed, realized: I am embracing the unknown. Detach, detach, detach, detach, I hear coming from my heart. Oh yes! Detachment! That little old spiritual law I keep forgetting to fold into me. The queen of attachment, I know how much money I have left, how far (or short) it will go, and the fear strangles me again until I remember to detach, live in this very present moment and let go!

Now it is morning and I am still learning to let go. But at least it is in my scope now. I have something more to offer both of my daughters and even though my spiritual muscles are weak, I will allow them to grow stronger or rather softer until the faintest feeling produces the most solid results.

Te amo.