This is the story of Sheela Hastings Wolford who has miraculously found that she has a big ol' chapter of her life still left to unfold in the writing of novels and other genres. Find your dream. Live it. That is her wish for you. Where once she was floundering, she is now swimming free. I tell you: If you don't ask, you will not get. Ask, ask, ask. And ignore the naysayers.
Got to do this fast. Sorry I have not posted in a while...manifesting a new computer/laptop. Ahhh, last night watched Charlie Rose and Howard Buffett (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Howard_Buffett)has just published a book, "Fragile: The Human Condition" filled with photos of folk all around the world.
This is a man whose father is the RICHEST man in the world (correct me if I'm wrong) and he has gone on to become a great philanthropist. I watched and felt my heart resume its rhythm. Always, every moment we are deciding what is important to us, what we are here for, and Howard Buffett has found his, and we are better for it.
Find your purpose. What makes you happy, really happy? Do it, and do not look back. It will all fall into place.
I promise.
Until I am better charged up with electronics, I bid you strong and delirious purpose.
Last night I thought about the "Hectors" in my life: two of them who delighted and frightened me. Both out of my life now, never really in it, only in my mind. Hector II, I had an abortion from at the age of 38. "You're not going to let this happen again, are you?" said the nurse assisting the doctor as my uterus was being suctioned out, me as pale as white paper. "No," I said, at the lowest ebb of my life.
Yesterday was my 21st year in leaving Fast Eddie, my daughters' father. A few men have come and gone since him but none resulting in marriage, not even close. I am either a relationship failure or the most independent girl of my time for I love being alone and when others suggest Mr. Right might be out there, I smile because I could care less.
He'd have to be magnificent in purpose and maybe he is. Maybe he is out there - in my circle - the one I'm creating right now and no Hectors allowed.
Now some may say I'm a murderer and often that's how I feel about it all, but I also believe the spirit that agreed to come into my third child, broke free as I was lying there dying, and inhabited another piece of flesh. It was my loss any way you look at it, and I will meet him or her one day...probably already know my third babe. We are all connected in this life or the one we cross over to; the same one I looked up to the sky that Saturday, day before Father's Day, already remorse, feeling so stupid to think the removal would take away all the pain, the worry, the memory.
Never.
The morning I drove to the clinic a song by Elton John played on the radio as I pumped gas. "You've Got to Love Someone," he sang and I've never heard the song again.
Never.
When I left hours later, numb, I looked skyward and apologized, feeling the spirit breeze back upward, not hurt. It was I who was wounded.
Bone tired tonight, but want to post. Went downtown for an entrepreneurial meeting and ended up babysitting for one of the member's babies because children weren't allowed past the receptionist's desk. I had more fun running up and down in front of the elevators with the little 15 month old boy.
Leaving and heading for home, I marveled at the chill in this July air! It just feels delicious and I almost needed a jacket. My kind of summer.
Finding out so much about my inner self, how much I have disconnected and yet, like the proverbial hanging on by the skin of my teeth, getting a better grip everyday. Knowledge is key. So I keep reading and as in today - at Barnes and Noble as I read one of the Seth books - left for the meeting off Fulton feeling so joyous.
This girl is losing the limited and false beliefs.
Two daughters and the friend of my younger girl came to stay in my apartment this weekend, so I got up early and fled the scene for coffee, a bagel and a walk as they slept. It was a clear day just as Goulet sang and I could see forever- at least as far as block to block of my Carroll Garden neighborhood. The leaves on the trees were so shiny they looked artificial like fake fruit in a bowl. I watched them glisten and thought of my Dad who surely must have been thinking of me this morning.
And on my walk I realized that if I truly - truly - unfold as easy as nature, life will be a flurry of least effort. Breathe, my body told me, breathe you silly girl. It's always been this easy.
How do we stay true to ourselves? It's looming 24-7, ain't it? Yes it is.
Remembering how stellar is your core self is the start, middle and finish, no, dare I say it, your eternal assurance that who YOU are is perfect.
Stay true to you.
How do we devalue ourselves? Excusing poor behavior - whether consciously or unconsciously - by those executing the nasty behavior. Saying "it's okay. I need the money. I need the job. It doesn't matter. It doesn't touch me. I don't need to accept it."
My goal now is to stand up and walk or turn my back on anyone speaking in a devaluing way to me, forgetting the sterling core self - of them and of me.
I can honor who they are at the core and forgive the social mask of their unawareness.
This surges power up from my core. I do not need to seek anything on the outside.
"I have no particular spiritual insights, but I think every writer who does this on a daily basis has a 'back channel' to the subconscious that can be accessed pretty easily. Mine is wide and deep....I sense strongly that this world is a thin place indeed, simply a veil over a brighter and more amazing truth." -- Stephen King from The WD Interview with Jerry B. Jenkins and himself, Writer's Digest, May/June 2009
Forgive me, Swimming Free. Five months away from you to the day is TOO long. What happens to us to allow us to disengage, leave what we love?
Yesterday I was at Barnes and Noble with my older daughter, Leila, and as we sat in the cafe reading, I gripped the latest copy of Writer's Digest and realized it was now or never to begin again, as I have again and again.
And again.
Honor, baby steps, faith, and integrity to selfishly embrace this moment in front of me and I humbly accept.
Unforeseen nets got me, but now, once again, I am swimming free.
If President-elect Obama doesn't get you up on your feet doing a dance, then, well, you are asleep in more ways than one. His speech this morning from George Mason University (yes, I'm a View fan and it's my break treat) rocketed me to brighter thoughts. Yes, it's tough. Yes, we've been handed some mighty lean vittles for supper, but we are also on the brink of enormous discovery and recovery.
Strap on your creativity belts folks and let's get to work!
Instead of going into the fetal position, sit up, grab a pad of paper or go to your computer and start tapping out ideas. Let them flow! What are you good at? What have you always loved? And not done or been allowed to? Do IT NOW! Here is the hole in the net, swim through it, and find yourself! Find the solution inside the problem.
Love you, America. Love you President Obama. Love you. And thank you for coming along. Good god, thank goodness we voted you in!
