Exploration

I have missed several days. I am going through a very sad time. But I also know there are no mistakes and this, too, shall pass, and not only is all well, but will always be well.

Tonight, as I walked out of the school where I teach a beautiful group of adults learning English, I looked at the shockingly white clouds and felt the brisk cold of December. About three years ago, I fell in love with the Northeast's winters just as I fell for the dry heat of the Southwest. Both regions took me a while to adapt, but in love I am. Just today during an incredibly riotous rainstorm, I took a long overdue nap, first staring out the window, marveling at the wind and dead leaves being hurled five stories high against the pane glass. I thought of moving. Where would I go? What would my purpose be? Would I get more done or less? Happier or more sad? And then I fell asleep and woke up two and a half hours later, still with a dull ache in my head, but feeling much more like myself.

I took the F train to Queens, and instead of getting off at 34th Street to switch to the N or the Q, I stayed on and got off at the 63rd Street and Lexington stop. This meant I would need to walk three blocks to the 59th Street stop. I was glad. Manhattan was alive - as always - and lights were everywhere. I reached for my camera, but stopped and simply took it in, felt the cold air, looked in the shop windows, and just walked. And I decided to take the 47/50 Rockefeller stop the next time I was going home. I want to see the Christmas tree up close. NYC is magnificent during this holiday period; a close second to fall or third, counting spring. 

On the train I took out paper and wrote an assignment a day for my ESL students for when the organization I work for closes for the holidays. I don't want them to stop learning. I want them to succeed. I want to succeed. I want health and happiness. I want to be able to have hearty holidays with my daughters and their mates. I want lots of hugs, kisses, presents, laughter, and conversation.

And I want to explore all possibilities. I want to feel safe. I want to feel free to speak and to give and also to receive.