Did I Ever Tell You I'm My Hero?

More than a few months ago, I reclaimed my self-acceptance by listening to a great program by Caroline Myss on self-esteem. She tells it like it is and then comes the moment of truth: Will you put this incredible information into action?

I did.

Actually, it was a long overdue window of opportunity to do such. As a 56-year-old woman, I listened and felt the truth massaging, invigorating, and liberating my solar plexus into action.

It didn't take long.

You know, the funny thing about self-esteem is it isn't an aggressive-in-your-face power, but rather it is simply a natural don't-have-to-think-about-it response. The first time I answered a question with a higher sense of self-esteem, I had to stop and take it in. I waited for the usual rush of fear or indecision or regret for speaking.

That didn't happen.

Instead, it just felt real and the absolutely correct response. So that's self-esteem, I thought, holding on to the edge of a table, clutching it, thankful, calm, and ready to go forward. Two weeks ago I went with my grown daughters on a road trip to Portland, Maine. We were discussing what we should have for dinner that evening? My younger daughter wanted sushi. She was hoping her sister and I did, too. Before self-esteem, I would have gone with the concensus. But after self-esteem it just came out even to my surprise when I said, "I don't want sushi." Just like that. "Whoa," said my younger daughter, "you really have gotten self-esteem." I had.

Norman Vincent Peale declared that "when people believe in themselves they have the first secret of success." Exactly. I felt it as if I was standing in a rushing river, a revolution of power just surging through me. Oh how I wish I could turn back time! But it is okay. I am connected to me now and that is all that matters. But I remember times when I was too afraid to go forward with a project, to call someone related to it, and so on. Not anymore, but it isn't always easy-breezy.

I still have to wrangle my emotions and let courage take the lead. It is that one step; that one move toward the goal, that knowing that retreating is fear, doing is courage. I choose courage. And sometimes it means changing my circle of friends, colleagues, relation to relatives, and so on. Once you flirt with self-esteem, you must be committed to a long-term marriage. I am and I do.

Hafiz wrote, "I wish I could show you, when you are lonely or in darkness, the astonishing light of your own being." So, what is self-esteem? It is telling your truth, everytime. It is speaking honestly, what you know, what you need, who you are.

I am a poet who before didn't think her words had standing power. I am a writer who wrote so sloppily she could not read what had been written and why even type it? I am a photographer who is learning that her view of the world is interesting, artistic and healing. I am a workshop leader who wants to bring all the studious information she has found to others hungry and who want to be whole.

"I love you, Sheela," I say every morning in the mirror as my cat meows, translation: Get my food and brush me. I stare into the mirror, kindly ignoring him, and I seek out any self-hate or deep disgust, and I grab it, bless it, and say good-bye. This act is wordless. It is a stirring bliss of freedom.

Before purchasing Caroline Myss's program on self-esteem, I kept the information from a Sounds True catalogue taped on my bathroom mirror. One day I knew I had to order it and get on with it. My intuition was frustratingly thumping me on the head. For so long I had tried to accomplish so many aspects of my career, bludgeoned by my procrastination and incongruities of actions. Listening to Myss, I wrote furious notes, giddy, emotional, and feeling the pulsation of a power that sang to me and what I knew was the missing ingredient to my life.

My being is bright and now I know how to beckon it to shine. I am light no longer afraid of the dark.