"Reach out to each other through the push and shove..." Jackson Browne, In the Shape of the Heart

 To err is human; to forgive, divine.  - Alexander Pope

Spirit Light.

So many feelings are streaming through me this morning. Last night, I fell asleep on my couch,  a blissful, restful sleep. Woke up at 5 dreaming I was having a conversation with Paul Newman. He was wearing heavy bronzer as was Joanne Woodward, but that could be due to a photo seen yesterday on Facebook of a mother's hilarious post of her young daughter, applying bronzer over her face.  Paul wanted to meet later at Quiznos. (Huge laugh.)

I also awoke knowing I had learned a major lesson the evening before as I got off the train for home when I had seen the man who had panhandled for years, maybe a decade now, and who last night was sitting on the last step of the stairs we exit up to the light. Once I had given him a twenty and oh the happiness erupting from him! In the past, I'd also given him food, change, anything on me when I had seen him, thinking of a friend in need.

But now I've stopped.

Nearly a year ago, I saw him one sunny afternoon riding a bike past our same subway exit, headphones on, free as air, coasting, no hands on the bars, and me standing there, stunned. Unless he has a healthy twin brother, he's got quite an acting life inside him because when downstairs in the train station, he brings a walker and is so despondent and humble, weakly asking for help. Once, while handing him coins, another woman behind me also gave to him, and we chatted going upstairs, she said she had given to him for years, too.

Now I go as far away from him as possible.

Until last night.

It was a crowded train even at the hour I was arriving home, and I was tired. The flow of traffic was not too cumbersome, though, for me not to see him there on that last step. I knew it was time to forgive.

Rhonda Dore art.

Lately, I keep pulling the forgiveness angel card and my energy tells me it is time to forgive across the board. Time to let go and get on with it. When I forgive him, I will have also forgiven myself for I am splattered in wrongdoing. And no matter what his deal is, I don't want it or whatever I have done in my life be what closes my heart. It must stay open if there is to be joy. I choose happiness, peace, and harmony. I am ready to forgive.

So, last night, I dug into my bag, searching for my coin purse. The crowd was pushing me forward and I tried to find it as I got closer to him, but I could not get my hands on that rascal. And then I realized - at this time -  I needed only to conceive of what I was understanding and so up the stairs I went, silently blessing him.

Up into the night air, I knew - for now - that that was enough just as was blessing anyone in my life I've forgiven. Most of all, my own self care is intact. I don't have to approve of anyone's choices, yet, to know I have forgiven them is all that matters if any of their choices or mine has harmed me or others. On many levels, I understood.  And the next time, I'd hand him some coins or a piece of fruit or a smile. Whatever he chooses to do with it is not my concern. It's all in good graces. Faces scrubbed clean, it's off to Quiznos where a handsome man awaits.


Sheela Wolford is a scrappy enthusiast who knows her purpose is to encourage. A writer, starry-eyed mother, good daughter, and better sister, she is working on a grief journal, a book of poetry, a memoir about her mother and her, and a book about the years she spent in brown adidas shoes, figuring out her life. Like her on Facebook on Workshops by Wolford.