Beyond the Sabbatical

I awoke this morning still in a daze from a dream I had. It was of my ex-husband. One of those dreams where I most likely was communicating with him, already crossed over, and I was in his reality. We were in a large house that lingered between wide open big as a gym or department store, lots of rooms and odd separating walls, like a dressing room. Craazy. Lots of color and billowing pieces of material. He and I were together, like we used to be, trying to make it work. And as usual, there were other people around, people who were both good and bad and once again, I realized how different were and are the needs of my children's father and I.

Maybe it's just that I'm staring down the barrel of my third of the fourth month of my sabbatical. If you've never taken a huge chance, I challenge you to do it at least once before you cross over. I absolutely love this solitude and precious time to develop myself, but I am constantly fighting off the fear of failure. I have been studying and reading enough to know acknowledgement of fear promotes more fear and that only brings doubt and failure. I will be writing about it and sending it out as a book proposal.

I have learned in this time period that in having days and days of freedom - even while tragedy and unforeseen events come like clockwork - the willing body begins to adapt to the spirit that wants to express. I keep feeling like I'm spinning my wheels and I'm sure family, colleagues, and friends are proud but wondering, 'whhaat?' because I don't have finished pieces to show, yet, but it's building. Everyday I write something. Maybe it's not publishable yet, but it leads me to the next and the next and it is building in strength and vision. The novel sits like a fussy child and I will please it and finish. The answer, the next part of the fossil is hiding, teasingly, waiting for me to get my shit together and give it full attention rather than worrying about rent beyond the sabbatical. For I got a call from my department chair insisting I tell her how many physical classes I would teach in the Fall. I said none and asked for online ones.

Pray for me. (Can you read the terror in there?)

The stamina I have developed during this summer of my flight tells me this is the way. Yes, I should have been doing this while working full-time, but was that my process? Or is it now? Are there no mistakes? Is this the way for me? Definitely pressing the issue and pushing the clock, that's me. But I want to say that I love this process and this is my dharma and many, many good works will come from this. It has been the greatest test of my inner self and even if no one or everyone (that would be fab) understands it, I get it. I will not abandon this or fall out of love. And I know what will sustain me is on its way for I have been faithful in this process. As I was faithful to my husband. I tried with him, but now I am firing with all cylinders and finally have found my true love.