Music

Yesterday was pitiful. I wrote a long, sobbing note to friends, detailing my pain. The responses helped. I slept the day away, a pounding migraine over me from the heat and humidity of Boston and the freezing cold of the a/c back on the bus. Today I am okay. The realization that this could be my routine from now on pumps me up. I grow in strength and determination. There are many options and I refuse to keep closing those doors by panicking, thinking I have no other choice but to do what I hate.

Nope.

Last night after dragging my pitiful self around I ate dinner and in clearing the table found an old fortune left from one of Sarah's and my rare Chinese food take outs. The fortune read: "Do what you love and the necessary resources will follow."

I taped it to my computer and stare at it now.

I vow to do this from now on. To do what I love. It is me who is the problem. The way I dive into anything to pay the bills but never find it completely satisfying. My daughters have seen the calm that has come over me from this sabbatical, this time to be alone with my thoughts. I cannot go back and leave this anymore. So I must trust my instincts and continue to follow them.

That is where the resources are.

I plugged in an old radio from my days as a publications specialist at the NY Foundling. What easy days those were. I find great consolation in hearing 106.7 play as I work. Reminds me of being in an office and I need to fake myself out. But wait? This is my office.

My home.

No more working on the sly. No more lies. No more fakery. No more drudgery. Only doing what I love.

Only

Dedicated to my girl in Boston.