Following the Leader: Infinite Intelligence

Raised in a Fundamentalist Christian Church, my mother would tell people how her two younger children, my brother and sister, were at church just days after their births. My parents "found Jesus" in the cold of Alaska, literally. I wish they were here so I could more clearly ask them the details, so forgive me if I go Gabriel Garcia Marquez on you, but here is how I recall their description in becoming saved.

It was a high snow-banked winter in Fairbanks when my parents spotted a lit building in the distance as they drove, seeking what I don't know, but I think they were at a crossroads, known only to them. They went in and were welcomed by the few there, men who I would later remember eating chocolate-covered ants and bugs in the foyer of the small church. Alaska in the late 1950s, even before it became a state was a North Pole carnival. Only the strong survived.

My parents were smitten with Jesus and everything the church represented and off they went. My mother sat in the pew, calm and happy, now I know, as she could be.

I loved the community it provided and as I grew into the faith, equally loved prayer time, that moment of silence when you closed your eyes. My first taste of meditation. When I was older and in the dogged years of my teens and early 20s, I found Communion time to be such a relief when hungover. I could close my eyes and miraculously recuperate, if only in the reprieve of fast sleep.

Once I turned 21, I shook the hand of our preacher when he gingerly told me - as a woman - I could not pray or preach in front of men. Years before, I'd similarly been told by the professors at the Bible College I escaped to that I could not take the Latin classes as they were reserved for the men who would become ministers. If I wanted to serve the Lord, they advised, become a Sunday School teacher to the young, missionary or best of all, a minister's wife. I left what I now call "my parents' church" and walked away.

What truly saved me, though, and what has kept me awake and alive to Spirit started with my remembrance and love for The Parables of Jesus. I went back and read them and realized his genius. But I politely and still do say good-bye to any organized religion. I call myself simply a spirit here to perform service for the highest good.

My fifty-six years so far have been tumultuous, blessed, challenged, super-sized and questionable. But I always believed and continued searching, first intrigued by the work of Joseph Campbell. "Follow your bliss"? I mean, come on, that's paradise. Doing it, however, was tenuous. Yet, onward I went.

Then, I found Deepak Chopra and Christiane Northrup, Julia Cameron and more. Moving to NYC in 1997, sometimes I'd be on the subway train reading and would feel such an explosive happiness from what I was reading. Yes! my heart screamed.

Putting it into practice proved another challenge.

Born to a nervous set of parents, I am the same. Worriers are We. And sadness and a general depressive state can accompany our generous and artistic moods. I don't want to live like this anymore. I never wanted to and yet it followed me like a dependent puppy. Out in the work world, I could overcome it by helping people and as an excellent caregiver to my folks when they became ill. In 2010, I was my mother's hospice caregiver. Yet, how could I cure myself of fear, worry, and low self esteem?

And then last week, my daughter, Leila, and I went to have a Reading by Elaine Clayton, another reason why I love Facebook and social media so much. Elaine told me of my inner, magical child whose strong ties to the Eskimo and Native Americans tells me that I am satisfied with a bundle of goods, fishing ability, and the wide open. Leila said I came out of the Reading beaming, youthful, and thrilled and I was. I felt every remark and nudge Elaine and the Universe provided.

Enter Tosha Silver and Florence Scovel Shinn this past month. The latter I had all four of her books compacted into one paperback, sitting on my shelf, thanks to a kind Brooklynite who left it on his or her stoop and it found its way to my hand. I had just looked at it a few weeks ago while writing a new workshop for Workshops by Wolford and not knowing who this woman was or how I had come to have her book, and then I put it back. Fast forward to this past week when I received Tosha's book Outrageous Openness: Letting the Divine Take the Lead after discovering her through Dr. Northrup on her show on Hay House Radio. I clicked to Tosha's Facebook page and saw the Budweiser neon sign behind her and laughed, intrigued. I asked her to be friends and she accepted and then I started to take in her posts and my heart lurched with understanding. "You've found the missing piece of information," it rang!

I purchased her book and read it all at once, two days ago. Everything I have studied gave the green light. My worrying state could be controlled, no, deleted! And I had the control as long as I remembered to let the Divine lead the way.

I can do this.

As I read Tosha's magical book, I gasped at her tribute to Florence Scovel Shinn. Wait a minute? Wasn't that? Didn't I just? I dashed to my bookcase and there was Florence's book, smiling at me. Silly girl.

Thank you, Divine Intelligence.

I am reading her book right now, The Wisdom of Florence Scovel Shinn and feeling the wholeness of infinity. Everything my parents' hoped for and did; every search made by me; every PBS program listened to, every suggestion, notion, and wise bit of advice I'd heard or been given was reciprocating, applauding, cheering me on. Here ya go, girlfriend!

Tag, you're it. Jesus take the wheel.

As always, dedicated to Eddie's and my best work:
Leila Sandra (center) and Sarah Nancy (left).
"Follow your bliss." - Joseph Campbell

I've so got this.

Sheela Wolford is a scrappy enthusiast who knows her purpose is to encourage. A writer, starry-eyed mother, good daughter, and better sister, she is working on a Grief Journal, a memoir about her mother and her, and a book about the years she spent in brown Adidas shoes, figuring out her life. Like her on Facebook on Workshops by Wolford.  And for heaven's sake, go buy Outrageous Openness.